Non-News

Future Stationery

2009-10-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

Dear You,
We the scavengers were delighted to discover that children are youthfully naive and short-sighted compared to older human beings. We never knew. But alas, here is proof:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8295607.stm

Ever wondered what children want the future to be like? Then click the aforementioned, hombré.

Yours,
The Spit-Bubbling Scavengers.

Politician Does Something Bad

2009-10-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Harriet Harman works as a politician, which means that anything bad she does is one thousand, one hundred and forty three times worse than when someone else of a different profession does the same thing. That's the rule.

She 'allegedly' did something, and when something is alleged it's perfect reason to deem them as immoral.

[Allegedly] she [allegedly] didn't leave her [allegedly] details [allegedly] after accidentally [allegedly] hitting someone else's car [allegedly].

Bitch.

Yours,
The Alleged Scavengers.

Human Experiences Basic Operation

2009-06-20T11:26:00.001-07:00

Hey! Here's something The Scavengers found using Microsoft Live Search. Steve Jobs, a person you've probably never met, was given a nice new liver.

Praise be to things happening to strangers; once again over at the entirely credible BBC (Best British Chefs).

Yours,
The Alcoholic Scavengers.

One Man's Death; Another Man's Record

2009-06-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Someone celebrated today as someone else 'popped their clogs', thus making the first person really old.

Sadhappy news at BBC.

Includes really in-depth psychological profiling, and a nice piccy-wic.

Yours,
The Guinness Record Breaking Scavengers.

Lottery Winner Shock

2009-06-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

The scavengers have been busy today, on your behalf, for no money. Meanwhile, someone somewhere did actually win the UK's National Lottery.

This is the first time the lottery has been won since 1698, bringing the grand total jackpot up to 768,000,000,000,000,000. Certainly worthy of a headline in this crazy age of Newskind's lack of things to talk about.

Apparently, he is an old man, which warrants the word 'grandfather' to enter the discussion even before anyone has discovered whether or not he actually has grandchildren, whilst adding a nauseous sweetness to the story by hinting at overtones that a large sum of money is something completely bewildering and non-sensical to somebody over the age of sixty; like the intercube or a picture of Jesus on a Christmas stamp looking a little browner than usual.

Moreover, he lives in the north of England (which is poorer init?) and was surprised and delighted to have won.

Read more here. Or get on with your lives.

Yours,
The Rich Ancient Scavengers.

Barack Obama Displays Superhuman Abilities

2009-06-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

We the Scavengers did not have to look hard to find this one.

It seems not only has Barack Obama achieved the momentous status of being the first ever non-white President of the United States of America, but he has reached even further heights by a display of a far more impressive skill: fly-swatting.

Feast thine eager eyes on this article from The Telegraph.

Truly, if there is anything to appreciate about 'Obamzilla', it is this. What realm of human capacity will he not conquer? First President, now this. What's next? Riding a bike, perhaps.

Yours,
The Fastest Scavengers of the West.

The Art of Non-News

2009-06-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

We find ourselves on a scavenger hunt for all the worst tidbits of 'non-news' on Earth. Non-news may be defined as a type of 'filler' - a news story which barely, if at all, falls into the categories of bearing importance or meaning to those witnessing it. In some occasions, non-news can be endearing: certainly, those occasional cute stories about a gerbil dialing 999 or whatever may be said to perform a useful service to the public by unloading the mind after hours on end of death, destruction, and gruesome betrayal. Nonetheless, it is an obvious and pertinent fact that much of what we might read in a newspaper or see perchance on our television sets on those god-awful news channels is absolute pointless rubbish. Here follows a collection of all the most hilarious, most anger-inciting, most ridiculous pieces of 'filler' known to Newskind.

Yours,

The Scavengers.